And

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what's the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

(Credit: @tiemoose)

Also this

I feel like dumping all my Facebook friends (except spouse, kids, and select friends) so I can see who's really interested in me. 

Also so I don't have to see things that make me sad or angry.

This

Doctor: *gives my baby a shot*

Baby: *cries*

Me: ew doc is my baby anti-vax?

Doctor: dammit get this anti-vax baby out of my office

Me: you heard him LEAVE, BABY

(Credit: @PleaseBeGneiss)

Back to hating sports.

And back to hating being out in the sun. My legs are sunburned and HOT.

Fact

I need another beach day.

Bottling Up Summer Evenings Like These

...so I'll have them to get through the winter.

Also: Today I Made: Quilt templates

Also: This is a common sight when I leave my bed. Weirdo.

BYUFS

But First: I don't wanna wear pants for the rest of my life.

Dreamed that I was trying to go back to BYUI but they wouldn't let me in because of my "low moral character".

My offenses (along with general sluttiness) were "getting flipped off in a church parking lot" and "once wearing a pornographic ponytail."

So. Darn it.

Bella: You're a perfect candidate for my new school. BYUFS, BYU For Sluts

Me: Isn't every BYU a BYUFS?

Bella: Only when you're there

Truth

I can't recommend therapy enough. Either you're crazy, or your family is, and you have to find healthy ways to deal with it.

Seriously - find a good shrink.

BUBBLES

Hey you guys my hotel room has its own hot tub and I put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it and now look

Exmo Milestone

My mom on the phone to my stepdad: "Saw my daughter drink coffee for the first time today!"

Rose Parade 2019

Me: The color combination of those flowers is so beautiful.

Hubby: Why don't you MARRY it

Me: I dunno if I'll ever get married again. The last guy I married was kinda weird

Hubby: YOU'RE STILL MARRIED

Me: Well I didn't know. It sounded like we were exploring options. Polyamory, maybe? 

Hubby: Nooooooo. At least not for you.

Plan

Think I'll just hang out here in this Costco parking lot till I feel like being around humans again. 

Might be a while.

Also: Pun names are the absolute best.

Maybe both.

Maybe he's born with it.

Maybe he's PSYCHOTIC

Hey.

Don't get mad at me if your religion is known for protecting sexual predators. I'm not the crime boss here. 

And "At least it doesn't happen church-wide" is the lamest excuse in the excuse book. 

Own your crap, religious people. You enable this stuff with your money and presence.

HAPPY PRIDE

I'm beyond done with religious turds telling people what they should or shouldn't do, especially during Pride Month.

sigh

Just witnessed my 17 year old boy call the soccer coach he's had for years and break down in tears, letting Coach know he's been accepted by a higher level team and would be leaving the old one. 

Mad tears happening. Proud of my boy. Feeling his happiness and pain.

Recommended

Burgerville's yearly foray into serving strawberries and asparagus is not to be missed.

Also, Clark College's Pride Day celebration (which our Bella was part of planning) looks very fun.

"There are no more Narthexes to conquer."

- me and Lori R, my VHUMC replacement

Ways to piss off Daddy, #367:

Have Alexa play We Didn't Start The Fire and sing along but only sing the lyrics "Elvis Presley, Disneyland" over and over again

Thus this blog lives on

The historian in me cringes at the thought of #DeleteFacebook - it's basically a family journal of the last 9 years. 

So I've begun Operation Dismantle Facebook instead.

Also: Note to me: salvia Hot Lips

Shipping Heartbreak

Discovering that the box I chose will hold 100 bonnets...

...but not 102.