Fraulein Helga

How I kept myself entertained at Carter's soccer game today (not today today, back in the past "today")

"You're very lucky, with fräulein Helga it was a ...."

Melanie: STD.
Me: ....squished grape between her toes
Me: .... Antique torture device
Me: ....creep in the Target underwear aisle
Melanie: Loud, smelly fart
Me: .....picture of someone's infected ingrown toenail
Melanie: Rabid dog bite on the butt
Me: ....roundhouse kick to the face from Rex Kwan Do
Melanie:  Mandatory work out video from hell.
Me: ....fat long-winded man who loves to tell boring stories and spits when he talks
Mel: A cloud of halitosis
Me: ....visit from Mr. Sadistic Tweezer Man
Me: ...pair of whiny five year olds who kept slapping each other and asking when they could go to McDonalds
Me: ....sharp corn cob to the eye
Me: ...lecture about boys from her hypermoral Aunt Judith
Me: ...Lapplander who liked to bite things
Me: ....all nine Osmond brothers
Mel: A toddler with a Christmas song microphone that changes his already high pitched voice into a never ending elvish squeal who will throw a fit when the microphone is taken away.
Me: ....chronic commenter with absolutely no tact
Mel: A bowl of force-fed dog soup
Me: ...box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
Mel:  Used boxers on her head
Me: ...lady at Shari's yelling "AINSLIN!! Helloooo!! Give the phone to your mommy!"...into her cell phone
Mel: A potato peeler to the knuckles
Mel: A hot sauce enema
Me: ....blinding grocery store laser
Mel: A hyper extended elbow
Me:  ....set of ugly British dentures, pre-browned
Mel: A tenacious dog that wouldn't quit sniffing her butt.
Me:  ....petrified llama turd
Mel:  Chased around with a big scary vacuum
Me: ....second stint at puberty
Mel: Forced to wear a diaper for a week
Me: ...big heavy-fisted lumberjack with a speech impediment
Mel: Forced to de-louse 100 cat winkers.
Me: One would do it for me.
Me:  ....lump of hardened baby formula vomit
Mel: Buttcheek waxing of a lifetime.
Mel: LOL, I'm trying to picture the housekeeper saying that :)
Me: Or any of this stuff.
Me: With Fraulein Helga, it was a frightened old hobo!
Mel: With fräulein Helga it was a thumb screw.
Me:  ....moist towelette!!!