Bad Influences

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"

Jack Handey

Mark P: I'm pretty sure that makes me the stupid man.
Mel: I miss Jack Handey.
Jim P: My fave: Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
Mel: “If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
Mel: "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
Mel: One more: "If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away."
Me: "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."
Me: "Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like." 

Jim P: "If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."
Me: "It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

Later: All the warnings in my youth about the evils of rock music have finally come true. Metallica just influenced me to run a red light.

Then Queen influenced me to park like this:

Can anybody find me somebody to park?

I walked out of the school and saw this car gingerly creeping around mine, trying to back out without hitting anything and I thought, dude, what's the deal? Then I saw how I parked.

Hubby: You did that? ha ha. I love it.
Me: I did! Do you LOVE me?
Hubby: More than ever now.