Miss Princess Diva Rosalind recently traveled by train for the first time in her 21-month life. Here, our roving reporter interviews Miss Ross about her Amtrak adventures.
CS: So I understand you recently took your first train ride. How was it?
R: Lovely, thank you.
CS: What did you do on the train?
R: Well, on the way home, I napped for about an hour, which wasn't nearly long enough, but at least it gave Mommy a break. And, I invented this really fun game for Mommy and me to play called "Walk the Entire Length of the Train Multiple Times."
CS: Interesting. Describe this game.
R: Well, I started the game by throwing the hugest hissy fit known to man. I was extremely cranky and tired, but rather than go back to sleep, I thought it would be in the best interest of the entire carful of sleeping passengers to shriek, throw myself on the dirty train floor, and resist all Mommy's best efforts to pacify me. It didn't matter what she held out, I wasn't going to have it, and I made sure the whole car knew it.
CS: You poor little thing. How on earth did you ever get so tired?
R: Part of it was the 5:30 AM train departure time. Mommy had to get up at 4:00 AM, eat, finish the last bit of packing, and help Grandpa load the car. I helped her by sleeping until it was time to get on the train. Then I was WIDE AWAKE.
CS: Did anything else contribute to your off mood?
R: Mommy the Dingbat couldn't find her train ticket! I mean, the woman is 36 years old - shouldn't she be able to keep track of it? She spent a good hour on the phone at 11:00 the night before we left, talking to the Amtrak guy. He said that the lost ticket policy required her to buy a new ticket, fill out a form, and wait five months for a refund to arrive in the mail.
CS: Mommy sounds like a real twit.
R: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but she is really something.
CS: I bet. How did she react to this outcome?
R: Not well. Did I say I threw the hugest hissy fit known to man? That was nothing compared to Mommy's tantrum.
CS: It sounds horrible.
R: It was. I'm scarred for life.
CS: Oh, by the way, I'm curious... what did you do while she was on the phone?
R: Well, it was waaaaaaay past my bedtime, but I would rather be boiled in oil than actually go to sleep in the spare bedroom by myself. I mean, really - after two nights of sharing a bed with Mommy in the motel room in Spokane, did she actually EXPECT me to go to sleep alone? It was more than I could take.
CS: I can imagine! What torture!
R: I know. Again - scarred for life.
CS: So how did you get back at her?
R: I used the ultimate weapon... screaming hysterically. Mommy kept doing this really annoying thing: going into another bedroom and SHUTTING THE DOOR ON ME so she could actually hear the Amtrak guy talking to her! The nerve of this woman!
CS: She left you ALONE and SCREAMING?
R: Oh no, Neenaw was there. She kept trying to feed me, but again - I was having none of that. The one thing I wanted was to be in the same room as Mommy and scream my head off so the Amtrak guy could hear my tale of woe, but I couldn't even have that!
CS: Wow. Life is so unfair.
R: You're telling me!
CS: So what happened with the ticket finally? Did Mommy the Loser have to buy another one?
R: No. Good thing Grandpa was there. He was moving my car seat from Neenaw's car to his, and the ticket was underneath the car seat.
CS: Well, good. So it all worked out.
R: Yes, thank goodness. That's all I needed was for Mommy to pout about it all the way home.
CS: So back to the train game.
R: Yes. Well, after this huge fit, Mommy realized that I had the upper hand, and thought she better go along with my way of thinking. So we went for a walk. Up the train, down the train, up the train, down the train... it was ever so much fun.
CS: What did the other passengers think?
R: Oh, there were mixed reactions. Some were asleep, but every so often I'd nudge one and they'd wake up. I waved at others. Some older ladies really thought I was cute, so of course I dug that. Other people made comments to Mommy. One was, "She's just a mover, isn't she?" and one guy said, "Boy, she's got you trained." I could tell she felt like back-handing him across the head but she kept her temper.
CS: Who won the game?
R: Well, there I'm a little fuzzy. Eventually I wore out, and was happy eating whatever snack Mommy could dig out of her backpack. But then the train stopped and Daddy scooped me up and I was so glad to see him. So was Mommy, for some unknowable reason. Maybe we all won the game.
CS: Well, thank you for your time, Miss Ross.
R: I love you! Don't touch me! I love you!